7.16.03 – Girl Arts
while it’s tempting to copy enjelani‘s recent post and make up a list of why i’ll never be cool, it’s no good because she and i figured out long ago that we’re long-lost-soul-twins or some cliché like that which really just means that she always writes exactly what i was thinking, only better, and so my list would be identical to hers. so, as a corollary: my list of why i’m not very good at being a Girl.
1. lipstick, of any shade, gives me clown mouth.
2. my dress-wearing tolerance is about 3 hours. i just want to wear jeans for the rest of my life.
3. Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality? yeah, that’s me with heels on.
4. i couldn’t care less about VPL (visible panty line, for those of you who haven’t picked up a Cosmo lately). particularly not when the thong alternative makes me feel like i have a wedgie all day long. since when did it have to be a secret that i wear underwear?
5. i still climb trees, i hate pink, and i was always the token female member of the no-girls-allowed clubs.
6. my shopping tolerance is approximately 1/2 of what my dress-wearing tolerance is. after that i become cranky, headachey and feel slightly nauseous until i can leave the mall.
7. regardless of how my hair starts the day, it’s in a ponytail by noon.
8. i actually believe that nylons were invented by men in order to subjugate women. i mean, who can possibly think straight when their legs are encased in tight, sweaty tubes of nylon? no wonder why men still earn more in the workplace.
9. i can shoot the shit with men i work with, but making friends with women intimidates the hell out of me.
10. shirt on, then the deoderant. right. you’d think i’d finally learn.
11. i might have been endowed with feminine wile, but i don’t know how to use it. i bat my eyelashes and someone will ask, “is there something in your eye?”
12. i can actually shower, dress, and be ready to leave the house in under 15 minutes.
13. i really truly don’t care if i never receive a piece of jewelry wrapped up in one of those little blue Tiffany’s bags.
13. a typical day for me is: 10am: get dressed in a skirt. 11am: change back to jeans. noon: notice that my socks don’t match, again. 2pm: spill lunch on my clothes. 4pm: realize that i’ve gone all day without brushing my hair. again.
of course, i’ve been intimidated into attempting all of these Girl Arts on occasion, usually to the entertainment of those around me. and while i have been known to stand on a chair while andy whomps a spider for me, it took my college roommates (fabulous women who are far more sophisticated than i might hope to be) several years to get me to stop wearing baggy t-shirts and men’s jeans every day, to teach me acronyms like VPL and that there IS a difference between the Thetas and the Tri-Delts.
today’s new words for the spell-checker: wedgie, headachey, and Tri-Delts.