at big joe’s on friday nights, $2.50 will get you a bud light and 3 raffle tickets. if you’re very lucky, or if you buy a lot of beers, your raffle ticket will get you into a round of turtle racing in the back room. the sponsor of the winning turtle goes on to a championship round at the end of the night, the sponsor of the slowest turtle wins a free drink. it’s back-room cock fighting for the yuppie crowd! the key to winning seemed to be drawing the right turtle; without fail, turtle number 3 always made a beeline for the darkest corner of the table (which happened to be the finish line), turtle 2 worked on the “if i don’t move, they won’t see me” principle of self defense, thereby assuring his sponsor a consolation prize. personally, i was captivated by the fact that the announcer makes his living belowing the phrase “give it up for sally, she’s a TURTLE VIRGIN!” into his microphone nightly. by comparison, making faking blood and dousing men in blue paint doesn’t seem quite as weird a career choice as it usually does.