so, badly written cover letters are my pet peeve. this week i’ve been sorting resume and cover letters for a crew position i’m hiring at work. a few of my favorite excerpts from this morning:

“Strong personal skills I possess are, leadership, attention to detail, organization…” (you can’t put a glaring punctuation error in the same sentence in which you tell me your attention to detail is good!)

“I am a graduating student of B— B—, and she has given me your name as a contact for securing a position for either this summer or next season at Victory Gardens” (wrong theatre)

“I am writing after hearing about stage management openings at Timeline Theatre…” (again, wrong theatre)

“…where I was in charge of all the backstage technical elements including props, costumes, the fly system, and bubble machines.” (bubble machines?)

“Selected Accomplishments: Staying within thirteen cents of a $100,000 budget” (I so want to call him in for an interview just to say, ‘so, did you figure out where the missing 13 cents went?’ and watch his head spin around poltergeist-style. Being anal retentive is something I understand, so I’m allowed to mock it in other people)

“I’m a go-for-it guy – the kind of person you need as your next Page.” (I’m hiring a Page? as in a knight’s apprentice? will he bring my horse round for me?)

“Also, I’ve done this exact job before, not in your theatre, but at many other locations. It is one of the few jobs on the planet that I’ve found, doesn’t ever make me tired, or get old.” (wow, we’re hiring for our fountain of youth? the anti-aging job?)

“Buddy was also representative of my quintessential delegation…” (your what?)

“I display: Exquisite paperwork,” (really? what exactly IS exquisite paperwork? will it come dipped in fine chocolate and be something I can eat? at least be illuminated with little pictures of monks and gold dust on the edges?) “…the ability to work with performers and crew on satisfying individual needs,” (okay, now you just asked for that one to sound dirty…) “…special skills, including thorough computer knowledge” (I don’t think that using a computer can be considered a “special” skill any longer).

“I am 22 years old, single, a downtown Chicago resident…If I do not hear back from you in the next few weeks, I will try to reach you by phone to possibly try to set up a meeting.” (ah, don’t call me, and I won’t call you.)

but really, people, learn to proof read your cover letters. would you come into a job interview with a big stain down the front of your shirt?

i can’t claim to know much about the rest of the job market, but as for my biz, i know me some good cover letter writing. here are the guidelines:

1) keep it short – i have not yet encountered any justifiable reason to go over a single page.

2) PROOFREAD! seriously. you are formally introducing yourself on paper. if we met in person you wouldn’t go to shake my hand and, being careless, accidentally grab my ankle, right? you wouldn’t show up at the wrong theatre and expect to hired, yeah?

3) do tell me: 1) what job you’re applying for, 2) who you know, 3) the briefest of biographical info as pertains to the position without simply repeating your resume, and 4) what your availability is with regard to the job and interviewing. that’s all.

4) do not tell me what a stage manager does. would i be allowed to hire a stage manager if i didn’t already have a pretty good idea of the necessary duties and required skill set?

5) do not tell me what qualities i should be looking for in the person that i hire. i have a pretty good idea of what i’m looking for.

6) if you have an unusual skill that might come in handy in this position, you can highlight it. if the most original, or most flattering, details about yourself that you can come up with are that you are: smart, detail-oriented and hard-working, save the paper and ink. i’ll probably be able to figure that out on my own. who makes it this biz who ISN’T smart, detail-oriented and hard-working? dumb lazy careless people don’t go into theatre, and if they do, they don’t last.

that concludes our lesson in cover letters today.