this just in: chicago is ranked (by Maxim) as America’s Toughest City.

this is better than last month, when we ended up 6th on Forbe’s list of Most Miserable Cities.

the best part, however, is the list of criteria Maxim used to make the assessment (as reprinted by Monday’s Red Eye):

unemployment
years of sports failure
days of sunshine
active Marines
percentage of registered Trans Ams
women who smoke
people not eating their vegetables
people without health insurance
low rent motel rooms
miles to the nearest nuclear plant
number of people per kung fu studios, tattoo parlors and funeral parlors
number of starbucks per city block

that’s right, detroit! you think you’ve got it bad? well, tough up!