i walked into a UPS Store this morning. told the clerk i’d like to ship a package on a UPS account number.

“oh, we don’t do that here!” she chirped.
“what?”
“we don’t ship on account here. if the package is all labeled and ready to go you can drop it off, though.”
blink, blink. “but you’re The UPS Store.”
“yes, but we don’t make any money off of shipping on account, so we don’t do that here. you can get a form from your UPS delivery guy, or from the UPS dropoff box located across the street. fill it out and then you can drop off the package here.”
blink, blink. “are you aware that you’re wearing no less than 6 UPS logos on your clothing right now?”

i considered continuing on to explain that the reason for the brand-association between UPS and what was formerly Mailboxes Etc and is now The UPS Store is so that customers like me will come in, fill out a UPS form, ship my package on account, and impulse-buy a dozen envelopes and some stamps while i’m at it. i mean, what the fuck? The UPS Store doesn’t ship UPS packages? are they aware of the irony?

i went to Fed Ex* instead. am i trapped in some kind of commercial about small-business shipping-needs?

*That would be a Fed Ex Kinkos, to be exact. if one shipping company buys a copy shop, the rest of them have to, also.